04. 16. Saturday
I wasn’t quite awake yet, but I dragged myself out of bed – and on the couch in the living room, full of sunlight. It’s been since forever that I last saw such a light, full daylight but still tinted rose, a promise of a beautiful day. We lay on the couch, cuddling, for a beautiful eternity of ten minutes.
04. 17. Sunday
“When the band plays the next Scottish, I’ll wait for you”, he said. I had invited him to dance previously, so this was nice, until he added,
“If you can find me”.
“How about you find me, then?”
“You invited me, so…”
“Do you truly want to turn it into a power game?”
We did not dance, in the end.
04. 18. Monday
I should know better by now than to try and solve problems when as groggy and sleep-deprived as today. All I achieve is a giant headache and a sense of frustration, while the problems remain unsolved.
I should have gone to the park 5 hours earlier.
04. 19. Tuesday
I had put the box with the cycle-to-charge in my bag some 3 days ago, to be sure I wouldn’t forget it when I arrive to the bikeshop. Once there, I explained I wanted the piece installed, so he opened the box to have a look – but of course it was the other box, empty since my partner had it installed on his bike last week.
04. 20. Wednesday
Strange to recall how much I loved flying when I was a kid. I detest it now. True, back then, I only had the opportunity every few years, and it was always for holidays to interesting pieces. Now it’s pretty much the only reasonable way to come home and see my family, since there still aren’t reliable train connections.
At least I got some work done on the plane.
04. 21. Thursday
Spent the day about: rent a bike for my stay, back home for some work, then to the seamstress to try my new costume, then up the hill to my parents’. Not sure if it’s the biking around that makes me so tired or the pretending to ignore all the things that are wrong.
04. 22. Friday
Nope, not today.
04. 23. Saturday
There’s absolutely nothing like the feeling of swinging a 5k hammer to bring a brick wall down.
04. 24. Sunday
Spent the afternoon trying to decide on a tablet for the trip. Will this one be good enough to work on? Is that one in a good enough state? Do I trust that 2nd hand seller to begin with?
At 10pm, I gave up.
04. 25. Monday
Ran an errand for my parents across town, and as I drove over the bridge, I suddenyl found myself yearning for the city. To walk her streets, and meet friends in the coffeehouses, to cycle along the Danube in the sun.
Not sure I like the way my life revolves around my home these days.
04. 26. Tuesday
Spent the day working, trying to get everything done today and tomorrow to have a few non-working days while with my family. I even did some housework and exercised a bit, and was pretty proud of myself – until I relised, at 8pm, that I did not practice for next Sunday’s show after all.
04. 27. Wednesday
Struggling to find a way to write about private things. I may share some of my own stuff with the internet, but I refuse to expose anyone else.
04. 28. Thursday
Got some family affairs done after a long process. It’s a relief, but the finality of it has me worried. If things are neatly arranged, what comes next?
04. 29. Friday
I feel incompetent in the face of aging and sickness. Guilty for not doing more, for not being here most of the time, for not putting my life on hold to help.
Of course it’s irrational. But not less real.
04. 30. Saturday
When I say I’m burnt out, I don’t mean fed up. I mean I’ve been slowly recovering for almost 3 years now, and some days, after 8 full hours of sleep I still feel I had only 4 or so, joint pains, headache, asthma flare-up included.